never play flip cup with pint glasses
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
