My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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