I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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