I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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