He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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