Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
