M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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