Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize