i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
