I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
