She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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