I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
