I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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