i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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