You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
