never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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