theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
