I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize