I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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