Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
