So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I wish you could order shots online.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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