If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
