oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
