I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
