I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize