Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
