We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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