OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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