I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
