theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
