I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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