I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize