lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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