I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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