Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
