i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
