Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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