trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
