Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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