Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
