Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
