There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The uberlube is also flammable
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
