Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
