true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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