I think i peed on brittanys purse
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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