The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
