She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
