Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
