i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
