My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
