rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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