This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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