Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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