my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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