we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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