just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
