we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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