I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
